“You’ll need to go right over to the hospital now. We need to observe you for 24 hours.”
Those were the words I heard my doctor say at my 36-week appointment.
I knew something was wrong that morning when we arrived at the appointment. What I didn’t know until two days later was I was being diagnosed with pre-eclampsia.
My pregnancy with our daughter had been difficult. I had morning sickness throughout my pregnancy. Yes…the entire nine months. There were good days, and there were bad days. But, the bad days outnumbered the good.
On the bad days I would curl up in a ball on the floor of my bathroom and cry out to God, “Why, Lord? Why me?!”
I was comparing myself to my friends and family and their experiences. I didn’t know anyone who had struggled as much as I had during their pregnancies. And, I thought that I would and should have had an enjoyable one, just like them.
But, that wasn’t God’s plan. Instead, God whispered,
“Trust in me, not in what you do.”
The day I was sent to the hospital was not the end of my difficult pregnancy journey. After I learned that my doctor had been keeping an eye on my blood pressure for weeks, I was ordered to be on bed rest in the hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy.
There would be no baby shower as planned for that weekend.
There would be no “nesting” in preparation for the baby’s arrival.
There would be no “going into labor” on my own.
Instead, I was constantly monitored. I had to eat hospital food. I slept in a bed that was not my own…45 minutes from home.
On Tuesday, April 7, I woke early to be moved to labor and delivery where they induced me. My husband and my nurse were constantly watching the blood pressure monitor because I had been warned that if it exceeded the doctor’s wishes, I would be whisked away for a c-section.
But, that wasn’t God’s plan. Instead, He whispered,
“I see you.”
God saw me in the darkness and gifted me with the opportunity to have a natural delivery with only a small dose of Stadol.
My husband knew our journey wasn’t over yet as soon as our daughter was born. Instead of being held by me, she was whisked away to NICU because the cord had been wrapped around her neck two times and she wasn’t breathing.
My husband went with her, and I stayed in the recovery room. I felt the peace of God with us, but my heart rate didn’t reflect that peace. The nurses were concerned that my heart rate was remaining high even though I was at rest. They moved me to my postpartum room where I was hoping to be able to eventually go to NICU to see our sweet girl.
But, that wasn’t God’s plan. My heart rate remained high, and the nurses refused to allow me to go (even in a wheel chair) to the NICU.
Instead, God whispered,
“I love you.
I love your baby more than you.
She is my child.”
I was able to go the next morning to see and hold her. My heart rate returned to normal, just as I expected it to do.
The doctors kept her in NICU for five days. We rode the roller coaster of emotions as we waited for her release.
Today, as we celebrate the birth of our daughter, I will reflect on God’s whispers in the dark that we learned through what we experienced.
God desires for us to trust Him in all areas of our lives.
God sees us – our hopes, dreams and fears – in all circumstances.
God loves us at all times.
“And we know that for those who love God
all things work together for good,
for those who are called according to his purpose.”
– Romans 8:28 (ESV)